HAPPY BIRTHDAYS TO US

So yesterday was my mother’s birthday. Fun fact. To all who know me well, I have a very strange relationship with retaining my friends and family birthdays, including my beloved father’s and Chip’s, but have never forgotten my brother’s or my mother’s birthday. Why is that? Of all of the birth dates that I have held onto how and why have I held onto my mother’s? It could just be that it’s a random retention based on my brain liking the date “September 19th” or it could be something more. Since I spent my whole young life shedding any association or even acknowledging that I indeed had a mother, why didn’t I throw her birth date into the deep dark closet along with everything else I was trying so hard to separate myself from, where she was concerned. As a sidebar, I should also mention that in all of these decades of life on this planet, she has only wished me a happy birthday maybe twice in all this time since eleven years old. This is just to say that there has existed no reciprocal allegiance to “returning the favor” of a Happy Birthday and yet… Another curious thing, that just dawned on me yesterday for the first time, is that I actually remember having no birthday celebrations with my mother at all. Not one. Growing up my father would remind me what a good and doting mother she was, how happy we were and what positive memories I should have but-nothing. Of course this adds to a loss of almost any positive memories with her at all. Also strange. Even my first therapist commented that she found it odd, given that that kind of black hole is usually created for our own protection against severely traumatic events. I don’t recall any, other than a slap across my face when I was younger. I was talking with a friend a week ago and we were sharing our mother/daughter issues and she had a similar story of not remembering, then years later wondered if perhaps there had been something she’d been trying to suppress. I can’t help but wonder that for myself but still have no answers. However, despite all of this historical lack of birthday magic between my mother and me, celebrating MY birthday is one of the biggest events of my year. I unabashedly want EVERYONE to remember and celebrate my birthday with me. It’s a kind of running joke. Not entirely fair when I can guarantee, for the most part, only remembering my husband’s, my children’s, my brother’s and my mother’s birthdays. My father and Chip (his life partner) made sure that my brother and I had the most festive, happy and memorable birthdays, every year. Every year, wherever I was, my birthday from them was NEVER forgotten. So what about this contrasting combination of never forgetting my mother’s birthday who never acknowledged mine and this hyper need to celebrate my birthday in a big way every chance I get? I could look at the birthday neglect as a heartless (kind off is) and premeditated act and respond with a big ole metaphoric flip of the bird (which if I’m honest, there’s always a little bit of that in there) OR I could thank her for the snub because it has made my hunger for a day of attention and acknowledgment of ME only grow like a wild and fun birthday beast. Since now at the age of fifty-three I am more intentionally trying the “high road” path, I will hitch my birthday wagon to the latter. Because along with the sadness and heartbreak of my mother/daughter story I am trying really hard to discover more light. For at the end of the day I do recognize that more light does bend us towards more love.

To my friends and family, while I do think I’ve gotten better I still have a ways to go with returning the TIMELY birthday love. Thank you all for not holding this against me. I will continue to try harder. To my mother, although I didn’t reach out yesterday on her birthday (did I mention I still have more work to do?), I hope she did have a lovely birthday and thanks again to her because guess what? My birthday is coming up on October 3rd!! I can’t help it. It’s one of my healthier and happier “issues”. ;)